All Again For You
by bluetee
Summary: Lucas Scott, I promised you that I would do anything for you. It never mattered what the consequences were. You're everything that's bad for me. I don't want you to be sorry for that because I'm the one who's sorry. I don't want to live like this anymore.


_Prologue_

Love: It's a feeling that I never thought I would ever be able to feel. I grew up in a house where love didn't really exist but, that never stopped me from wanting to find out what it truly was. Emotions are crazy to think about sometimes. We all have them and we all project them differently. Maybe putting myself out there to find it wasn't the greatest idea. There were many faults that I found between how I felt and how guys felt. I went out there knowing already that I would be the one who was going to be broken hearted. Even when I knew it, I still took the risk just to feel it.

Risk: That's what they say life is all about, right, taking those risks? There's that stereotype about teenagers always getting into risky behavior. We all have our reasons. I've had a handful of trying out most of them: rebellion, underage partying, sex. It's all about the feeling or at least trying to find what that feeling of exhilaration is. For me, it was to be noticed. I was searching for that attention that I never had growing up. Did that make me a pathetic person? Probably. What made all the risks unfulfilling was the fact that my parents still didn't care enough to punish me properly. I never really had a curfew or gotten anything taken away from me.

I was using myself. I was damaging my reputation. I didn't realize any of it at first and I wish I would have because now I have to fight back to rebuild myself. It's a long way for me to go to try and repair these past few years. I don't know if it's going to make any difference now or if it's even possible. They say it's never too late to change your life around. Is that true?

I lost a lot yet, I gained other things. I downgraded. Before my life spiraled, I had friends who were smart, happy, and they were people that I could count on. Then I became this unrecognizable person to them and I blew them off to be with new people; people I thought would help get to where I was trying to be. I found myself trusting them more. Luckily, in a way, there's still a chance that I never really lost the true people in my life at all. Maybe, they lost me and I never lost them.

I'm not trying to make this out to be the saddest girl story because I'm not sad. At least, I think I'm not. I think what I am is confused, like many people my age are. That's okay.

There's someone in my life and he may not be the most achieved, wealthy, or popular. No, instead, he's just like me. Well, almost. He's set on his ways, where I'm trying to get out of mine.

As much as I'm trying to change. He's pulling me to stay this way. He likes that I'm not afraid to jump a fence or sneak into somebody's backyard to use their hot tub. Even people who are the same clash and be something beautiful in the making. In a short amount of time, he's giving me what I've been searching for. It's dangerous and intoxicating. It makes me feel alive, more alive than I ever thought possible.

I know you shouldn't try and change others for your own benefit. Part of me thinks that if we can excel together, then it will all work out for the both of us. Whenever I try to mention that to him, he gets angry. Right now, I'm completely torn between who I am and who I am trying to be.

Addiction: Giving in is the easy way out. With him, that's all I do. At first, I never thought about anything. I just did whatever I felt like because it didn't matter to anyone where I was going in life. He saw it differently. He saw it as a way of me letting him know that we were going to be together and nothing was going change that. Nobody else would have an influence on us. As much I as love him, can I really be truly happy?

Love: It's something every girl wants. We want to meet the perfect guy, fall in love, and live happily ever after. It all seems so well drawn out. Now, that I finally have it I wonder about all the imperfections it really has.

Risk: The feeling isn't the same as it used to be. Running away is all that I've ever been doing. It's foolish and getting me nowhere.

Addiction: It's just another feeling that I found out could be compared to love because you would risk it all just to keep going.

Lucas Scott, I promised you that I would do anything for you. It never mattered what the consequences were. You're the only boy who's ever loved me back. At least, I think you are. I'm trying to be different and I know that scares you. You're everything that's bad for me. I don't want you to be sorry for that because I still find myself staying the same. I should be the one who is sorry. I don't want to give you this false hope.

Brooke Davis, what happened? Why can't you just build up the nerve and the strength to break free? There was something that made you realize that this wasn't what you wanted from your life anymore. Where's that girl?

I want to find her. I want him to accept her when I finally do. Until then, I'll just keep what I've always wanted get in the way of that. There's a way to have it all. The way to achieve that is simple. It's all about the struggle.

That's all I've been doing. Do we ever stop struggling, even when we believe that we have it all figured out? I think we struggles. I think he does more than I do. He doesn't want to admit that.

One day I want to wake up to a different mindset. To finally be able to say what I want to say and not have to worry about losing him. It's not supposed to be all about him. I should be my number one priority. I've thought about it, telling him that. Then the time comes and I don't.

I'm a mess and I know that I can't help it. I'm contradicting in every way.

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><p><strong>Please review! I'm curious to see what you think about it. I haven't decided on having it rated T or M. For now, it will be rated T.<strong>


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